Heels and Ideology: Being Feminine, and a Feminist

Melissa over at Shakesville wrote a fantastic post about the ways in which feminists police femininity in other women. I urge anyone with even a passing interest in feminist theory to read it in its entirety, as well as the discussion that followed, but here's a short excerpt:

Many years ago, I rejected certain expressions of traditional femininity because I was a misogynist, raised in a misogynist culture to hate women (including myself). I was socialized to have axiomatic contempt for the feminine and all its associations with weakness and frivolity and being less than. […] Then I was exposed to proper feminist theory for the first time—and suddenly I started REALLY LIKING being a woman, and other women, and all things feminine, in a way I had never liked any of those things before. It made me voraciously desirous of feminine things, many of which I’d always liked, deep down, but had rejected, shoving my affections to dark vaults at the bottom of my psychological sea. There they could be forgotten, or at least denied.

Pardon me if this is a little disjointed. I've been trying to think of a way to respond or add to this for the past few days, and nothing seems quite right. Full disclosure: I don't "perform femininity" in a lot of traditional ways, so I'd be lying if I said it doesn't sting just a little to hear that the persona you've crafted over the last few decades is largely a product of a lot of internalized misogyny. I'm a guy's girl. But I'm a guy's girl who knows what that means. (I've also been a guy's girl among a lot of really great guys whom I'd call feminists, too, but I'm lucky in that respect.) I don't do a lot of "stereotypically "feminine" things, and it's not that easy to determined whether it's because of society's devaluation of anything associated with women, or that I'd naturally gravitate to things that are the antithesis of pink and frilly. That last part is what gives me pause. Not doing the "girly" thing is okay, too, and I think there are other factors involved than just internalized misogyny. (Money, for one. Performing femininity is pretty damn expensive. And culturally, someone might have different expectations of what is feminine.) I think a greater problem than, say, questioning one's dedication to feminism for wearing heels is the chronic debasement of art, music, or books made by women.

I wish I could remember where I saw this, but recently I read a quote that went something like "Is changing a tire a man's thing? Well, are you a women changing tire? Then it's a woman's thing." (That's not even close to the original, but you get my drift.) I've read a lot lately about how we are reconciling our love for girly things with our feminist ideals, and while no one should tell you how to be a feminist, I can't help but think that, taken too far, it can read a little "my feminism is more evolved than yours." Which is just as bad as telling someone she's a bad feminist for shaving her legs.