Thursday, December 31, 2015

Don't with these dudes

Yeah, it's the Awl and supposed to be read tongue-firmly-in-cheek, but most of these "unfuckables" are pretty common whipping boys these days.
Man-Literature-For-Men Man - Are Hemingway/DFW/Franzen bad authors? IDK. Life is complicated and shit, but your top author list should cite something not from the White Man’s Handbook for Looking Learned
According to the tenets of feminism (or some online approximation of feminism), yes. Yes they are. They are the worst. Haven't read them? Don't. Just don't. Stay ignorant, but morally sound.
The Christopher Hitchens/Malcolm Gladwell/TED Talks Guy - This man is gonna yell at you in an Olive Garden about how he took philosophy 101 and condescend to you about your worldview. None of this in 2k16. You want to act like you know something, you better actually know something.
Similar to the patriarchal-lit guy. As a non-believer, I'm a huge fan of Hitchens and took 101-level philosophy where I was one of two women in a class with all dudes. It was taught by a Milanese guy who opon noticing my last name asked where my family was from. Sarcastically, I said, here, which is true for the past two generations.

"No, where are they really from."

I wasn't going to escape this. "Naples," I finally said. Disdainful sniff. Given my ancestral faux-paux, I doubt he'd ever been to the Olive Garden.
The No-Bed Guy - Does this guy have a twin bed? Does he have a mattress on the floor? Does he have a futon? Does he have a mattress on a box spring on the floor? Does this guy have an air mattress? Does this guy just sleep on a pile of ex-girlfriend’s old scarves? Do not sleep with this man. If he isn’t bothering to invest in a bed frame and a bed you can comfortably fuck in, he won’t bother to invest in you.
Could just be poor. Or live in a very small apartment. Granted, most 21st century pop culture writers have no concept of povert divorced from hipster appropriation. I'm willing to give this guy a pass.
A Man with An Active Reddit Account - I do not need to explain this one. A Man Who Reads Richard Dawkins - No one wants a man playing devil’s advocate between the sheets.
The Man with Six Shirts - This goes back to No-Bed Guy. If a man cannot invest in himself, he cannot invest in you and you have THINGS TO DO. You have things to do and places to be and this man owns SIX SHIRTS. Do not reform this man in 2k16. Leave this man where he is.
Stop shirt shaming! Shirts are expensive!
The Man Who Mentions High School - Why? Why is he doing this? Does he have no plans for 40? For 30? Does he miss the days when his mom made him lunch and his only responsibilities were thinking about how he could be an astronaut but not actually doing anything to be an astronaut? Get away from this man.
Mine is a city connected by high schools. "What high school are you from?" is a long-standing St. Louis meme. So long-standing, it existed before meme was a dictionary word, and probably long before the birth of your average Awl writer.