Why I am a sex positive feminist (and why I sometimes find that a problem)

With some reluctance, I admit it: I am a sex-positive feminist. And since I'm being honest, I hate the word "sex positive feminist." It's mistakenly become shorthand for "lots of sex, no judgement," but I don't think sex needs to be parsed through a feminist lens all the time. It would be easy for me to say that what happens between consenting adults is none of my business -- because it isn't -- but there are a lot of valid criticism of sex positive feminism, particularly when you get into the dangerous business of universalizing experiences.

This discussion that broke out in Feministe's open thread this week is a really good starting point for some of the pros and cons of sex positive feminism. EG's comment was particularly eye-opening because I realized my experience was nearly the polar opposite of hers.

I spent my most of adolescence during the ass-end of the 80s at the height of Reagan/Bush conservatism and AIDS panic. I went to catholic schools in the US heartland. I didn't hear one single positive message about sex. Sex was for marriage only and for making babies. Sex was always PIV and straight. It wasn't really enjoyable for girls, and it could possibly kill you. My parents are pretty tolerant, liberal people, but ones who worked hard and came home physically tired. Long discussions about sex weren't really on the table. Plus I was a secretive kid who didn't ask a lot of questions to begin with.

So in a way, I'm the perfect beneficiary of sex positive feminism. But not everyone is, and it's good when those who have an issue with some of its tropes speak up. I've written about this before, but I'm not at all comfortable with Slutwalks and reclaiming the word "slut." Slut to me signifies not only a woman who is unabashedly sexual, but one of a certain class. (I somewhat flippantly said that it's easy to reclaim the word slut when you have a PhD.) I know it's wrong, wrapped up in layers internalized classism that I will possibly never peel through, but I just can't "reclaim" that word. I wouldn't want someone to tell me I must or else cash in my feminist cred right now, so I feel the same way about the criticisms of sex poz feminism. Theory is no stand-in for real lives.