The Perils of Being the "Cool Girl"

A while ago, I wrote about not really knowing what it means to "be sexy," because all the years when I could have benefitted from "being sexy," I was too wrapped up in being cool.

It's not as dissimilar as you'd think.

I spent the last years of my teens and most of my twenties in the 90s, when "cool" girl role models were in abundance: Margaret Cho, Janeanne Garafolo, Kim Gordon, Missy Elliott, Sophia Coppola. Movies life Girls Town and Foxfire featured tough, stand-up-for-themselves heroines who didn't worry if a hair was out of place, or a nail got chipped. Not to wax too poetic about the 90s, but at some point "cool" became the norm rather than the exception. (Granted, this was also the decade that gave us Anna Nicole Smith and Britney Spears in baby barrettes and a schoolgirl skirt.) It was easy to be that girl, especially when you fell outside the the thin, pretty, blonde stereotype. Here's where it gets sticky: the cool girl is often a "guy's girl."

I've been a guy's girl for as long as I can remember. On the surface, there's nothing wrong with this. I've never been "girly," so it makes sense that I would find myself in the company of men more often than I would women. Again, nothing inherently wrong with this -- and I hate feeling like there's supposed to be something wrong with it -- but it's the disdain toward things and behaviors traditionally associated with women that is the problem. Being "one of the guys" is another way of winning men's approval, just one that doesn't always involve short skirts and lipstick. The girl who says she only has guy friends because women are just too complicated? Yeah, I've been her too.

The truth is, it's hard overcome the internalized misogyny that says "female is bad," or "girl is weak." The bigger truth is that women's behavior is always going to be scrutinized, whether it's knitting or watching football.