This is my mantra every time I read something about jealousy -- how petty it is, and how we as women should "be above it" and supportive of each other.
The comments on this post are pretty disappointing in this respect. I'll even grant that the writer maybe seemed a little too entitled, but that doesn't mean her jealousy over her wildly successful classmate is any less valid, or that's it's something so shameful it need to be hidden away with a less than convincing declaration: "Sure, I'm happy for her -- really I am."
(Jane's marginalia is worth noting, too: "It is important to me though that we keep in mind that someone else's gain is not your loss. Especially among women where a gain for another girl is a gain for us all. Let's all root each other on and pull each other up." I wish that were true, but the gains of one well-connected, privileged on nearly every axis woman doesn't mean we're all winning.)
Jealousy itself isn't bad. Jealousy can be a fantastic motivator, plus it can provide enough awareness that we don't actually live in a meritocracy: hard work isn't always rewarded.
I think the bigger issue stems from what kinds of behaviors and emotions are encouraged in women, even within a feminist context: women are expected to be competitive, but not with each other. What really bothered me was that a lot of the comments veered too closely to the old trope that jealousy is really "unbecoming." Maybe stewing in it isn't the healthiest thing in the world, but I don't think we should be denying ourselves those emotions either.
I wrote recently about this same thing, and I'd not really considered this fully.
ReplyDeleteI don't think that jealousy isn't something that we shouldn't be feeling, and it is perfectly natural. I think what's dangerous is how women are encouraged to deal with jealousy - by being bitchy and catty and focusing on the other woman's clothes, hair, body etc. rather than on the thing that is actually making us jealous. This isn't always the case, but it is too much of the time. I think women should be respectful of each other, not necessarily supportive (although it would be nice if they were!)
I hadn't considered the 'privilege' aspect of the 'someone else's gain isn't your loss' concept - but I do think that there's still truth in that sentiment.
... by being bitchy and catty and focusing on the other woman's clothes, hair, body etc. rather than on the thing that is actually making us jealous.
ReplyDeleteExactly, but the overall tenor of the responses was "it's not nice to be jealous." Or at least that's how I interpreted it.