That jealousy thing, once again

Every time I feel the need to question or criticize another woman’s work, I ask myself, “Is this a legitimate response or something born out of jealousy.” The “you’re just jealous” trope is such a pervasive one that’s it’s hard not to. But you know what? Jealousy is a legitimate response sometimes. I’m jealous -- a lot. I’m jealous of other women’s resources and opportunities, and I’m jealous that other women’s voices are deemed more important than mine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I think that's what I was trying to say here, while being unnecessarily positive about jealousy being a fantastic motivation tool. If I had to write it over, I'd be a little less bootstrap-y. But back to questioning another woman's writing without making it seem like an attack or, ugh, being a "hater," what spawned all of this was a post from a popular blogger (whom I don't feel comfortable naming) on reconciling her need for being seen as an intelligent person while dealing with being recently diagnosed with a mental disorder. I'm pretty sure she understands the implications here, and why those two things are not mutually exclusive, but I was still pretty put off by it, and I'm trying to parse why.

Most of what's been written about women and mental illness has been from a pretty privileged viewpoint. Most women don't get the "but I'm smart" defense -- at least if you're defining smart as educated, degreed, and awarded, which, frankly, is the way most of the western world defines intelligence. From my own experience -- in any situation -- I can only be smart "in spite of." I don't expect people to think I am, and I usually have to prove that I am a reasonably intelligent person "in spite of." I think this is true of all women who don't have class privilege, which, despite its strides to be intersectional, contemporary feminism continues to struggle with class issues. (And race, gender, and sexuality issues, too, no doubt, but for clarity  -- and because it's the "ism" I think I'm most qualified to write about -- I'm sticking to class for now.) I am jealous of women who don't have to be seen as intelligent "in spite of," even if we all experience that to varying degrees simply by being women.

Jealousy is a perfectly valid emoition

This is my mantra every time I read something about jealousy -- how petty it is, and how we as women should "be above it" and supportive of each other.

The comments on this post are pretty disappointing in this respect. I'll even grant that the writer maybe seemed a little too entitled, but that doesn't mean her jealousy over her wildly successful classmate is any less valid, or that's it's something so shameful it need to be hidden away with a less than convincing declaration: "Sure, I'm happy for her -- really I am."

(Jane's marginalia is worth noting, too: "It is important to me though that we keep in mind that someone else's gain is not your loss. Especially among women where a gain for another girl is a gain for us all. Let's all root each other on and pull each other up." I wish that were true, but the gains of one well-connected, privileged on nearly every axis woman doesn't mean we're all winning.)

Jealousy itself isn't bad. Jealousy can be a fantastic motivator, plus it can provide enough awareness that we don't actually live in a meritocracy: hard work isn't always rewarded.

I think the bigger issue stems from what kinds of behaviors and emotions are encouraged in women, even within a feminist context: women are expected to be competitive, but not with each other. What really bothered me was that a lot of the comments veered too closely to the old trope that jealousy is really "unbecoming." Maybe stewing in it isn't the healthiest thing in the world, but I don't think we should be denying ourselves those emotions either.