Shelving: Why Have Kids? by Jessica Valenti

If you've even spent a modicum of your online life in the feminist blogosphere, "mommy wars" and the ongoing rift between women with children and those without are old hat. If you want to start a fame war, pit parents against childfree people.

(And for the record, I'm okay with the term "childless," though I know many prefer childfree, which isn't exactly without problems itself. I may not have kids, but my life is far from carefree.)

As a non-mom, I'm glad to see the myth of sanctity of motherhood being deconstructed. Jessica's book  is probably one of the more honest looks at parenthood -- from a personal viewpoint as well as examining the institution of parenthood. And by parenthood, I mean motherhood. Men are still largely left out of the discussion with childless women being the ones fielding the question "don't you want kids?" And she does a good job of flipping the question to one of "why do you want kids?"

From the litany of things people (woman, largely, but men also) have actually said to me about my decision not to have children, the "you must be selfish" trope is the one that I can always count on. Tell me, what's more selfish that having kids because you want kids? Although only one chapter deals with childfree women, the attention the book is getting predictably fousces on those women. Amanda Marcotte said in a somewhat personal review for Slate :

If we started asking "why have kids?" instead of "why not have kids?" it would at least demonstrate why the pressure to have kids makes no sense at all. Childless women are accused of being self-centered, afraid of commitment, and more interested in pursuing a career and having fun than the responsibilities of child-rearing. To which, I have to say: Ok, so what? Women who have no desire to make the sacrifices required of parents should be congratulated for their self-awareness, instead of bullied into having kids they don't want. 

Instead of bothering childless folks, I say it's time to start thanking us. Our free time and disposable income supports entire industries that parents get to benefit from. We're the ones going to shows and sorting through new releases so that you know what new record to download off iTunes this year. We're the ones who actually go to the movies on a regular basis, keeping your Netflix queue well-stocked. We're the reason that there's that new nice restaurant open for your date night. We may roll our eyes and put on a brave smile you can see right through when you send us a baby shower invitation, but you need us.

Sigh. I was with her until she asked for a cookie for choosing not to breed. Unfortunately, I think this is a part of the problem, too. There's nothing wrong with having ample free time and disposable income, but it's something most people, yes, even childfree ones, can only dream of. It still plays into the myth that being "free of children" means being free of responsibility.

So a baby crawls into a bar...

I'm going to have to agree with Jill on this one. A large, outdoor bar in a family-friendly neighborhood? Sorry childfree people -- and I am one of you -- kids will be there. You can't expect every place adults gather -- or even most places adults gather -- to be blissfully kid-free when a lot of those adults have kids. This too:

"But parents? You also need to stop acting like entitled dicks. I know every time parenting comes up on this website we get the two camps of “CHILDREN ARE ANNOYING AND I WANT ADULTS-ONLY SPACES” and “PARENTS ARE ALWAYS DOING THEIR BEST AT ALL TIMES AND CHILDREN ARE PART OF SOCIETY AND REQUESTING THAT ANY SPACE ANYWHERE EVER BE FREE OF CHILDREN IS BIGOTED,” and frankly I think both of those camps are ridiculous. But, look, parents are people too. And just like some people suck, some parents suck. If you’re going to take your kid to a bar, go for it! Good on you especially for choosing a family-friendly bar where your stroller will fit and where blaring music won’t damage your child’s ears."

I usually avoid parenting discussions on feminist blogs. Ultimately all they do is reinforce the pitting of mothers against women who don't have children. The "kids in bars" discussion is one that has come up a handful of times in the past few years. I think a cohesive definition of "bar" is warranted. Big, outdoor, family-friendly places that also serve drinks? You won't get too much argument here. The corner dive at 3 a.m.? Um, I'm going to risk sounding like a concern-trolling non-parent and ask, "What the hell are you doing in there with a kid?" I didn't know this was a "thing."

The myth of the selfish childfree woman

Dodai wrote a great article on being childfree and not necessarily by choice. Unfortunately, the comments devolved into the usual accusations that all single, childfree women live lives unburdened of responsibility , free go wherever, buy whatever and do whatever they want. You know, kind of like Zooey Dechannel in that cotton commercial. I'd like that life. Oh wait, I am that childless woman in her thirties in some sort of suspended adolescence. Something must have happened on the way, something called ADULT RESPONSIBILITY that, by the way, usually does happen with or without a kid.

This comment in particular irked me:

"'no one ever said to me, “Thank you. Thank you for giving the biggest possible gift to the planet by not having a child' 

Yeah, those 940 Saturdays you slept in, all that discretionary income you spent on yourself and your intact vagina make you seem like much more of a giver than selfish ole me who hasn’t had seven hours of consecutive sleep since Dubya was in office. JAZZ HANDS FOR YOU!"

As someone who's been taking care of people for a good chunk of her life, I really take offense at this. I guess caring for elderly relatives isn't as sanctimonious as motherhood.

And even if hadn't -- even if I didn't have a way to justify myself -- so what? So what if I'm "selfish?" I'm hurting no one except maybe a few antediluvian rules about what women are supposed to be. Oh, and isn't having children because you want to have children a patently selfish act? Nothing wrong with that either.

Stop pitting women with children against those without

A few years ago when I was a novice blogger, I was given a link to a parent blogging site. I'm not a parent, nor do I plan on becoming one in the near future, but at the time, the only blogs I knew that were penned by women my age were "mommyblogs." Mine didn't exactly fit the template, obviously, but I was happy to find a gang of progressive-minded women who could write, and some of them even got paid. I wedged myself into their community.

The turning point came during one epic discussion about childless -- or childfree -- women. Being a childfree women in her thirties means usually fielding questions from society at large, but in my small blogging community, I never felt judged for it. So you can image my dismay when one blogger whom I respected declared that "you're not a real woman until you become a mother." Even if you ignore the apparent heterosexism and transphobia in those words, it's still a pretty shitty thing to say. Um, hi, I'm very real.

(Also it should be noted that the panel -- a panel on childfree women -- didn't actually have one childfree woman on it.)

A few years later, on another, even more progressive, site with a cabal of childfree women, the same kind of discussion swelled: this time the commentariat was more evenly split, but the results were unsurprisingly familiar. The mothers were bad feminists who insisted their children be present anywhere and everywhere adults are, and be universally loved for it;  and the women without children were selfish, immature twits who must have had terrible relationships with their own mothers, hence their decision not to reproduce.

Can we stop this?

Fellow childfree women: children are people, not just annoying appendages. You don't have a right to childfree spaces; motherhood is a feminist issue, lest you forget. Mothers: I realize I'm not one of you and have no business criticizing how you raise your children, but not all childfree women live lives of leisure untethered to adult responsibilities. Reasons for not having children differ from woman to woman, and shouldn't be dissected. If not having children is "selfish" in the most literal, non-judgmental sense of the word, so what? Having children simply because you want to have children is also a selfish act.